I will not sell you weight loss tea

Monday, February 13, 2017

It's been a while. A lot has happened... and a lot hasn't.

At some point last year (and I truly cannot bore myself with trying to remember when specifically) I was approached by one of those online weight loss tea companies, asking me to shill their product to my Instagram followers. This wasn't a new concept to me, as I've partnered with brands in the past that I genuinely liked, but only when they'd approach me first. I'm proud that even in selling out I stayed true to myself.

Something about the fact that it was weight loss tea and the fine print of the agreement stating I had to take a selfie with the product (something I seriously never do, and a product I'd never use) and the whole thing forced me to take a big step back out of this Internet spotlight and reassess what the hell kind of situation I'd gotten into.

I've promoted 3 or 4 brands that I either already liked, or was willing to try based on the price (for me, that means free). I've turned down companies -- even when they sold something I could feasibly get into -- simply based on the fact that I don't need more shit piling up in my 1,000 square foot apartment.

The magnitude that social media has grown is impressive and exciting and disappointing. But that's life. Whether we like it or not, things change.

Last night I was thinking about blogging, because of course I was. For years, I wouldn't leave home without my laptop so that I could stay connected to the people who made me feel sane when I was actually going crazy. In hindsight, I'm not sure I had that many real friends and that's kind of scary.

I wonder if blogging is so popular now because it’s where we can dump our thoughts we don’t think our real friends would care about, but mostly I guess it’s a circle jerk for our words and art. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I guess.

Sometimes it feels fun and sometimes it feels really gross and self-serving, so it’s also like a circle jerk in that way as well, I’d imagine.

This started out as a lighthearted piece about what it means when you sell out just to continue to allow people to read your inner dialogue, even if that inner dialogue is 35% thoughts about dogs, but I just feel so gross about blogging about blogging.

I'd planned a relaunch of Deer Diary. Life got in the way. Today was supposed to be the day. I was going to have a new layout and new features and updated content. I was excited to use my new DSLR camera to show you an easier way to make crab ravioli and show you around my beige apartment. I got sick. I mean like, a head cold, but I also went off mood-stabilizing birth control for six months and got really sick. That's the best way I can describe it. At one point, I researched rehabilitation facilities because I found myself hoping to get hit by speeding cars on the freeway. I felt like if I could just find a way to get myself killed, I'd be relieving so many people of all the anguish I cause them. That sounds dark because it is. I was in a dark place and I'm back on my birth control and am able to see some light. I don't say this for sympathy or head pats. I guess I feel like, in some way, I owe it to those of you who still check in on me.

I'm prepping two other major projects for this year that are coming together one way or another, but I'd really wanted to check back in with blogging. I miss it, and I also don't. Something has to change.

Anyway, I know y'all aren't here for the weight loss tea and neither am I.