I know a girl who:
  • Lied about doing the voice overs for a hugely popular episode of Adventure Time.
  • Claims to be from Denmark. No reason.
  • Does not eat vegetables.
  • Or fruits.
  • Openly! She, like, asks servers in restaurants to list off any vegetables that come with a dish! And then says "NO VEGETABLES PLZ!" She literally eats meat. That's it.
  • Claimed to have an ovarian cyst that burst at grandma's dinner party and proceeded to drink several White Russians. Then passed out and had to be carried out by grandpa.
  • Lied about her father being abusive so that she could move in to my boyfriend's old apartment.
  • Does not have a driver's license.
  • Or a job.
  • Clearly has an eating disorder.
  • Says that she created It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia with Charlie Day. That "Dee" is based off of her. She is not credited for this anywhere online.
  • Made racist comments while attempting to drink my cocktail at a dinner before seeing The Book of Mormon, which she left during the first song to "pass a kidney stone" and did not return to the show until after intermission, with a t-shirt, smelling of cigarettes.
  • Once woke me up from a nap to ask me if I had any muscle relaxers because she was having her first period in a year.
  • Also once asked me to go to the bathroom with her so that I could turn on the faucet so that she could pee. She said that she needed someone else to do it for her. She also dictated the water pressure of the faucet to me while explaining that she was on so much medication that she had a hard time peeing.
  • Threw poppers onto people's heads off of grandma's balcony in a popular part of San Diego with a lot of foot traffic. No reason.
  • Orders the most expensive item off of menus when we are out with family, only to eat 3 bites of it and claim to be full.
  • Told us she was the Assistant Director of Photography for a Michael Ian Black pilot that just so happened to be filming NOT during pilot season. This was back when I worked for an actress. I reached out to Michael Ian Black personally who literally told me that she was "full of shit."
  • Is not in the Union, therefore cannot work entertainment industry jobs.
  • Says she landed her Adventure Time voice over role by "singing in her house" during the writer's strike and someone just heard her and asked her to do it. That's how it happens!
  • Chain smokes. Which is baffling, considering she doesn't have a job.
  • Except sometimes she grooms dogs at her parents' house?
  • Lied about having a job with a producer in Hollywood to get Brad's brother to quit his job and move to Hollywood. When she didn't actually have a job, he was forced to work at Target for a year.
  • Drove his car without a license, got pulled over, and had his car impounded for 30 days.
  • Says she can't drive because she got a ticket for tailgating 6 years ago.
  • She actually has a few DUIs that she never paid.
  • Told me that she was the one paying all the rent and that Brad's brother owed her 2 grand.
  • Has fleas. She is an animal groomer. With fleas.

THEY NEVER PREPARE YOU FOR THIS. SOMEONE SHOULD PREPARE YOU FOR THIS?

This is why I go to therapy.