everything is awkward

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

I had to go to Satan's Asshole yesterday (Santa Monica) for work and you guys? I experienced the most emotionally tragic moment I’ve ever seen. Not tragic like “Anderson Cooper saving that kid’s life in Haiti” tragic, that’s real tragic. I’m talking about one of those “*gay gasp* O.M.G.” tragic moments. The kind you can’t stop thinking about for weeks because it’s so crazy/deeply human yet wild.

So, of course it happened at a work event for me because that’s where most of the things in my life go down. This chubby dude, probably just a few years younger than me, was skateboarding (badly) in the lane leading into the parking structure of Santa Monica College. My car is partially electric, and after turning off Pico onto 17th Street, I was going slow as a ho and he straight up could not hear me. I must have crushed over some gravel or something, because he turned around and FRANTICALLY started skateboarding to the side, only to completely faceplant a few feet later.

I was sitting there in the middle of the entrance to a Santa Monica parking structure and I thought about intervening by telling him to take his time and making sure he was OK or whatever because it was broad daylight and having to be inside of Santa Monica is the worst as it is, but there was, naturally, a line of cars behind me and I thought I might make it worse.

So I witnessed a chubby dude die in a million shades of embarrassment and then some college bro gave me his number awkwardly in the quad and then some spiritual Hindu man played bongos for an entire hour 10 feet away from me and then MYSTERIOUSLY locked eyes with me and handed me an invitation to a Hindu feast in a week... AND THEN WALKED AWAY WITHOUT BREAKING EYE CONTACT.

I hope this rambling anecdote makes you guys feel more comfortable going out there and getting your life. You deserve it!