preemptive birthday wishes.

Monday, September 7, 2015


LOL. THANKS, WELLS FARGO. MAYBE YOU COULD THROW YOUR GIRL A BONE ON THAT OUTSTANDING CREDIT CARD BALANCE, BUT I GUESS A STOCK IMAGE OF CANDLES IS FINE TOO.

The Betta Fish Community Board that always sends me my first Happy Birthday message is M.I.A. this year. I've even checked my spam folders because I have seriously gotten my first birthday wish from them every single year since I was 21.

My birthday isn't until the 9th.

I've also received birthday greetings from Starbucks, Cost Plus World Market, and the lady at this trashy clothing store in my hometown because my mom told the cashier that SHE would be buying "all of these clothes" for my birthday. "All of these clothes" included a boring green dress that I can wear to work (as in, it's just green and boring), a denim jacket that is also nice enough for me to wear to work, and a $6.99 gray top because I can't say no to gray tops.

So I went home this weekend to reset my brain. Things have been rough at work with long hours, emotionally tumultuous students and events, not sleeping well, and probably PMSing. I left Brad home alone and basically said "peace" and drove 64 miles to my parents' house on Friday afternoon. They took me out for Mexican food, wherein I gobbled two fish tacos the size of actual burritos, as well as half of my mother's dinner and three margaritas. Then my dad drove me home and I ate a cookie. I went to bed at 10 PM and slept the entire night without the aid of a Xanax. The next day my mom and I were at Target at 8:00 AM, followed by our usual trashy store route and were home by noon. We hit up at least 5 stores. I bought fur pillows for my home because I wanted to, and some pumpkin Fall things because I also wanted to.

My dad mentioned that he saw some leather boots while he was out earlier. I scoffed because my dad's idea of fashion is Walmart jeans and Costco Hawaiian shirts. I said "Okay, but were they riding boots?" His face lit up and said "YES! THEY ACTUALLY WERE! DO YOU WANT TO GO LOOK AT THEM?" So my dad drove me across the Valley to show me the "leather riding boots" that I was so sure he was wrong about, and guess fucking what, you guys? They really were Kenneth Cole motherfucking Riding Boots. Knee-high. Stacked sole. In my size. And you wanna know what else? My dad bought them for me.

I got to have a gurl's night with Mark later, where we drank and then snuck into a community pool, only to be kicked out and followed home by a rent-a-cop a few hours later. I got kinda nervous about him following me because I fear the law, but you heard it here first: I trespassed this weekend.

Anyway. I got back to my beach house yesterday and spent the afternoon crying on Brad while we went to Halloween stores and then fell asleep on the couch at, like, 5 PM. I'm finishing up two articles for this week (one about that time I got stalked!) and burning some pumpkin bread scented candle that my white boyfriend picked out yesterday at Big Lots.