it's gone now...

Monday, June 1, 2015

I wrote a lot about my latest plunge into depression, but published none of it. I didn't eat last week. Plain and simple. I drank water with lemon. A few Coke Zeros. I retreat inward, more than normal, when depression hits me. I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to be on this planet. So I go to bed. I read memoirs of people who have lived what I am living. I cry here and there. On Friday I climbed into bed at 6:00. I didn't get up until 6:15 the following morning.

I felt so refreshed.

"Maybe I just need to spend a week sleeping," I told myself. Truly! Maybe sleep is all I was needing! I wasn't really depressed. I was just tired!

I know this isn't true but it somehow helps to know that in a pinch, I can just go to bed.

Saturday we cleaned out our guest room. We are on the cusp of hosting a variety of friends in the coming months, and I'd finally reached that emotional threshold where I was able to let go of my Nashville furniture. Belongings are so important to me and I hate that. I remember where I bought everything -- what city, why I was there, who bought it for me, etc. And I absolutely cannot get rid of gifts from other people. Sometimes it feels like that's all I have -- vague evidence of people caring about me. Before your eyes roll out of your head, I am aware of how deeply melodramatic that sounds.

So we did it. We borrowed a truck. We loaded up nearly every side table I collected in the South. All of those repurposed, distressed, vintage tables. We moved out my antique armoir that I used as sewing storage in Nashville. It was a beautiful piece that I spent $130 on from a huge antique mall near 100 Oaks. The wood was engraved with leaves, flowers, and had since been repainted white. Three drawers beneath the main cabinet. As tall as I am. And, since life isn't all about me, we loaded up a bunch of Brad's old furniture from his bachelor pad days. Mostly black, minimalist Ikea furniture, and lamps too dusty to clean. We dropped them at Goodwill and got coffee.

It's gone now. The furniture, and most of the depression.