On getting your boyfriend's ex girlfriend to leave him alone.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Every so often I feel like I need to check in with you guys to assess your crazy asses and what some of you deem to be acceptable online conduct. Let's talk about your creepy behavior, Internet. It's time to finally break that addiction with checking in on your ex (and their new partner, and his family, and his friends).

Rule #1: Do you have an ex? Leave them alone.

I mean entirely. Leave them completely alone. This goes double for those of you who are married. What the fuck are you even doing, lurking on your past when you are married to someone else? This goes triple for if you are married for the second time and you dated your ex eleven years ago. For example. Don't like their posts. Don't comment on anything. Don't add their mom on Facebook and don't wish her a happy birthday. Don't do it! I get that you're on your second marriage and dying in a million shades of regret because you make embarrassing life decisions and you have less than zero direction, but you've gone mental if you think that there is any room for a You Guys pt. 2. I've received the bad vibes you've sent my way and trust me, we all find your behavior exhausting.

Rule #2: Has your ex moved on? Leave their partner alone.

I've dealt with a lot of Top Shelf Crazy in my life. One time, a very close girl friend of mine made out with my ex boyfriend two days after we broke up, and then spent four pages of emails admitting this to me, and then convincing me it was my fault. I tend to come across very stoic and cold, so I'm familiar with the extremes people will go in an attempt to get a reaction out of me. I get it -- you're trying to provoke me and waiting for me to text you or call you or email you or DM you or whatever. It makes you feel like you have a leg-up in this invisible competition only being played by you. Know what? Get over your ego and move on. Let go of him, and let go of me. Allow yourself to have that emotional Goodwill drop-off.

Rule #3: Do you have mutual friends that you will literally never see again? Leave them alone.

I get it. We're in the age of endless connections and the natural fade-out of relationships no longer exists. It's why I delete my Facebook every few months because it disgusts me to see anyone I even almost knew in college. But don't stay connected to your college roommates just because they are still in your ex's life. Sure, you girls loved spending time together, your living arrangement was comfortable and fun to go home to, you knew each other’s families and shit. But it's been eleven years and you haven’t really spoken since you moved back to your hometown as a teenager, and you're only suddenly liking their posts to be more visible and trust me, we are all hanging garlic around our necks to ward off that vampire.

Rule #4: Familiarize yourself with the Block feature.

Because believe me, we already have. Use the "block" option as often as possible, I say. I will block a motherfucker faster than they can finish inappropriately "liking" a Valentine's Day post on my boyfriend's Facebook wall. No joke. If you truly cannot resist your weird Internet searches, block that person. It immediately disables that dysfunctional part of you that needs to keep in constant contact with your ex, and maybe it'll help you focus on the people who are relevant in your life. I blocked a guy once because he said something racist on someone else's Facebook wall. I blocked a girl once because she told an entire party that I was too good for everyone. I block all of my exes, their new girlfriends, their relatives, their coworkers, our mutual friends... EVERYONE. And trust me, I have blocked you.

Rule #5: Get a life, hobby, or some help.

Meditate on the situation for two. Are the issues that you’re facing now part of a bigger picture? Attempt to identify the issue and your contributions to the current situation. Why are you trying to sabotage a stranger's life? Why are you hell-bent on being seen by your ex boyfriend? Maybe all the *freaking the fuck out* you’re doing about the state of your ex boyfriend's relationship is putting an uncomfy amount of pressure on you. What will spending hours a day thinking about it do? Zip. But putting time into yourself and your future and your passions will always garner positive results. The last thing you want to be is single, out of touch with yourself and ten steps behind where you’d normally be. Right? And it’s attractive when people are busy and fulfilled and successful, right? If you're this obsessive about your ex, it’s time to come clean to yourself and everyone involved and remedy these issues as you see fit. Even if it ultimately means stepping away for the time being and returning when you’re a little less mental.