lonely george

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

If you’re in a really emotional time in your life right now I suggest you skip this, or risk crying in bed forever.

Lonesome George is the last proven Pinta Island Tortoise in the entire world. Because he is native to the Galapagos Islands his real name is Solitario Jorge, which is somehow even more heartbreaking. If you don’t have little shimmers of tears about to spill out over the rim of your lower eyelid, I never want to hang out with you. You are a soulless human being who probably watches that ASPCA/Sarah McLaughlin commercial with ease.

The Pinta Island Tortoise died out (get this!) because of some goddamn foreign goats eating all of their vegetation. I hope my racist friends don’t get wind of this information because they’ll use it against me as a metaphor for Mexicans when they're trying to argue that Arizona is doing a really great job at immigration control and that women earn the same amount as men, etc.

There is currently a $10,000 reward for a female Pinta Tortoise.

There is a $50 reward if you can get me out of bed and showered today, because I feel a major bout of lonely-tortoise induced depression about to happen.