Watched Good Dick tonight on Netflix.
It is the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s on Netflix
Instawatch and I was like “hah! Penis joke! This is going to be the
best! It must be Cock o’clock! Dick thirty-five!” It is the worst. 30
minutes into the movie you’re like “Well, this woman has obviously been
raped repeatedly by someone” and sure enough, she had been raped
repeatedly by someone. I just ruined the movie for you. I promise you,
you don’t care. You don’t care at all.
It made me angry. The entire movie made me angry. 35 minutes into the
movie you think, “this movie was written by a woman who knows shit
about shit,” because WHY WOULD A STRANGER-MAN BATHE YOU AND WASH YOUR
HAIR FOR YOU AND BRUSH IT FOR YOU. NO MAN WOULD DO THAT TO A SLIGHTLY
DISTURBED YOUNG WOMAN.
What message is this suppose to send to me? That when I’m depressed
and not brushing my hair (bi-monthly occurrence), an attractive, young
gentlemen will force his way into my life and lovingly rub some Herbal
Essences onto my scalp? YUCK! That doesn’t happen!
When that happens you lie in bed for hours upon hours and cry about the
inevitable death of everyone you love and think about how you’re going
to die alone on a pull-out couch one day, probably when you’re 60,
probably from some sort of undiagnosed cancer with a side of semi-intentional suicide, and then all of your pets will die
because you have no one in your life who would think to check up on you.
Until one day your neighbor comes home (I’m still living in an
apartment because I never made any real income to buy a house) and says
to her husband, “Joe? Joe? What’s that smell? Joe? I think the Hoarder
next door died, Joe. Should we call the cops?” and they’ll just wait
until after dinner because they can’t even be bothered to care before
they eat their meat loaf.
Anyway, I checked later and the movie was written by a woman, who
also played the depressed gal who finds a savior in a man who just won’t
quit loving her. I need to tell you high schoolers that this will not happen. If you’re depressed and a man just comes around and bathes you and tries to teach you how to love
again... he is undoubtedly a controlling, addicted, bipolar, insecure lunatic and I need you to promise me you will definitely never move across the country to be with him.