bad dick

Friday, November 21, 2014

Watched Good Dick tonight on Netflix.

It is the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s on Netflix Instawatch and I was like “hah! Penis joke! This is going to be the best! It must be Cock o’clock! Dick thirty-five!” It is the worst. 30 minutes into the movie you’re like “Well, this woman has obviously been raped repeatedly by someone” and sure enough, she had been raped repeatedly by someone. I just ruined the movie for you. I promise you, you don’t care. You don’t care at all.

It made me angry. The entire movie made me angry. 35 minutes into the movie you think, “this movie was written by a woman who knows shit about shit,” because WHY WOULD A STRANGER-MAN BATHE YOU AND WASH YOUR HAIR FOR YOU AND BRUSH IT FOR YOU. NO MAN WOULD DO THAT TO A SLIGHTLY DISTURBED YOUNG WOMAN.

What message is this suppose to send to me? That when I’m depressed and not brushing my hair (bi-monthly occurrence), an attractive, young gentlemen will force his way into my life and lovingly rub some Herbal Essences onto my scalp? YUCK! That doesn’t happen! When that happens you lie in bed for hours upon hours and cry about the inevitable death of everyone you love and think about how you’re going to die alone on a pull-out couch one day, probably when you’re 60, probably from some sort of undiagnosed cancer with a side of semi-intentional suicide, and then all of your pets will die because you have no one in your life who would think to check up on you. Until one day your neighbor comes home (I’m still living in an apartment because I never made any real income to buy a house) and says to her husband, “Joe? Joe? What’s that smell? Joe? I think the Hoarder next door died, Joe. Should we call the cops?” and they’ll just wait until after dinner because they can’t even be bothered to care before they eat their meat loaf.

Anyway, I checked later and the movie was written by a woman, who also played the depressed gal who finds a savior in a man who just won’t quit loving her. I need to tell you high schoolers that this will not happen. If you’re depressed and a man just comes around and bathes you and tries to teach you how to love again... he is undoubtedly a controlling, addicted, bipolar, insecure lunatic and I need you to promise me you will definitely never move across the country to be with him.