Part of that was due to the fact that the process kind of broke my heart because I was witnessing the creativity and opportunity for educational flourishing being stomped out because the school curriculum only cares about teaching to the standardized testing.
And this was in a preschool classroom.
I'm passionate about teaching, and education, and children, but I became so disheartened over how difficult the American school system makes it to make learning fun. The amount of times I've had to watch 4 year olds be told to sit down quite honestly did something only slightly less than break my heart. 4 year olds aren’t meant to fucking sit down! And I’m not blaming teachers — they have a curriculum to teach on time, or suffer the occupational consequences. It's an all-around bad situation for both educators and students. Plus, in America, people bring guns to school. And kill people with them. So that whole thing kinda confirmed that I'm not ready to sell out.
So part of it was that realization, and the other part was that yes, ha ha ha, I think maybe I would like to possibly try something akin to writing and creating something sort of, kind of funny for a living and I fucking hate admitting that because goals and dreams and all that fucking glitter shit are so fucking lame and embarrassing and most people fail and are left embarrassed and lame in a woman’s homeless shelter.
I’m generally okay, but every day, for about 5 to 10 minutes, I want to throw up everywhere.
I have a potential job opportunity coming up at the end of the year, and if I can find a way to make that job AND my online "jobs" work together, I'll be fine. That’s a safety net with a time line, and as long as I realize I have it in my back pocket, I think maybe I’ll be able to put myself out there and really try at something. Because I never really try at anything.