anxiety > alarm clocks

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

I check all three alarms multiple times before going to bed. Phone, computer, clock. Phone, computer, clock. Phone, computer clock. I have a mental check list each time I do it, making sure it’s set for AM and not PM, making sure the volumes are all a few notches below max.

I know this is one of those things that might get out of control if I let it. It’s like in junior high. Our front door had 9 squares carved into it and I would try to knock on every one 3 times after school before my mother opened the door. At first it was a way to pass the 30 seconds before my mother unlocked the door, then it became a game with myself, and then, one day, I realized my heart was in my throat every time I started the sequence. It wasn’t just a game any more. I just really wanted to finish it. If I didn’t finish, I was slow and failing to do what I started. I hated that feeling. It wasn’t this crazy-ass OCD thing, really. Maybe ocd in lowercase letters. Just oc, no disorder. I eventually stopped, and it was relatively easy to do so.

But the alarms are different, I think. Who hasn’t been bitten in the ass by a mistake you made when setting your alarm? Checking it three times in one night might be overkill, but what if I told you it just paid off? What if I told you I woke up at 5 AM and couldn’t shake the feeling that one of them wasn’t set right? What if I told you I hopped out of bed and found that my ALARM CLOCK HAD BECOME UNPLUGGED?

HOORAY, HURRAH! ANXIETY PAYS OFF! HOORAY FOR ALL! XANAX FOR ALL!

EDIT: My alarm was set this early so that I have time to buy an iced coffee and a box of tampons. Viagra is covered by most insurance policies, but THIS GIRL, with a net worth of $400 has to fork over nearly $10 every month for disposable vagina sticks. I have to wake up early so that I have time to buy cancer cotton for my love tunnel. When are we going to form a woman's coalition and petition that these things be free to all? I'm sad.