I know it doesn't make sense, it doesn't make any thread of sense, but after getting in my car this morning to find it had been ransacked, I have been rationalizing how I most likely deserved this.
It starts as this little spark, like -- I haven't been working out as much. I have been lazy. All I want to do is sleep because I am anxious all the time. I haven't been as present in my friends' lives and that's why they all enjoy making me feel miserable about myself. I surround myself with people who essentially don't like me because I deserve to feel bad because I am bad. I deserved to have my space violated because I am careless with my valuables. It makes sense that this happened because I let the kid who I nanny watch an extra 10 minutes of Doc McStuffins the other day when we should have probably been reading or working on her speech development a bit more. I nearly passed out at my Cardio Barre class because I didn't eat breakfast because I was too tired to get up and make any, so I went to a physically exhaustive public workout session and had to sit in the bathroom until my panic attack passed because that's what I deserved. I haven't paid my car insurance yet, which isn't due until the end of August, but it's a lot of money and it's my fault that I prefer to go out to eat Vietnamese food instead of cooking at home, because I am selfish and deserve to be stressed about money. I am secretive about my emotions and withhold affection from my boyfriend, who is openly very loving and honest and understanding and hilarious, and that's why I deserve bad things to happen to me. My dad's first guitar lesson was yesterday and I didn't text him to ask him how it went, because I am careless and selfish and wanted to bake cookies instead. This is why I have bad karma.