My parents have these neighbors who are Scientists and I capitalize that word because I really respect it and I want to put that out there up front.

ANYWAY, so these neighbors have lived across from my parents for ten years and even though they say hi to them regularly, they’ve never acknowledged my parents on Christmas. My parents aren’t the type to care, though. Mom’s like, “Oh, they’re curing diseases. I don’t expect them to get us anything.”

But then yesterday, the mom of the family dropped off a wrapped package and said happy holidays to my parents while I downed a double dosage of Xanax and concentrated on dying. We have so much holiday candy swag, so no one bothered to open it until just now…

YO, THIS BITCH REGIFTED FUDGE THAT EITHER HER SCIENTIST HUSBAND, NERDY-ASS SON OR CRAZY DAUGHTER ATE AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT.

My mom brought this fudge up to me in my teenage bedroom and was like, “Girl, LOL!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS!!!”

And I’m doing that thing right now.

But I just wanted to tell you that we’re for real not passing judgment on these neighborhomies because they’re curing diseases and we’re DEFINITELY not. In fact, we’re probably creating them.