I wish I were the kind of person who could relax and giggle and not become convinced that my organs are detaching from themselves, or feel petrified that the building I’m in is about to collapse, or sit and reflect shamefully on every single thing that I’ve ever done wrong. I wish I were the kind of person who could have a few drinks and relax and giggle and not become bitter and contrary. I wish I were the sort of person who could misplace their key for five minutes and not instantly start crying because oh, shit, why, why is this happening, why am I such an idiot, shit, why, shit.

I wish I were the sort of person who liked loud music and movies and beer pong or whatever the shit it’s called. I wish I could hang out without my friends giggling and mocking and prodding at how successful my social media sites are. I wish that making plans with friends didn’t fill me with an inexplicable feeling of dread.

I wish that I could leave just one assignment til the last minute, or til the day before, or even until two days before. I wish having some task up ahead didn’t make me lose sleep and endlessly worry so I have to do this thing right now because if I don’t I’m not sleeping. I wish that I were the sort of person who could have a messy kitchen and not have their mood affected by it whatsoever.

I wish I were nicer to myself whenever I don’t live up to my own requirements. They’re not expectations. They are requirements.