I reactivated my Facebook last night to see three different friends' three different babies that recently emerged from their three different vaginas. They were cute, and they were great, but not even five minutes back into my lighthearted Facebooking did I see some overly-generic dinner table settings and some overly-sexist comments about how Asian women can't drive.

Ever notice how all the miserable failures in your life are constantly telling you about how much of a good day they are having, or about all their pretend achievements in life? What a mess, you guys. Don't put that stuff on the Internet. Brad and I were joking about how some girls will post pictures of their boyfriend/husband making dinner like he deserves some sort of award for preparing food. And the table setting is always atrocious. Always the "salad" guys. UGH! Salad is the “I’m not racist, but…” of the food world - as superfluous as the 500-picture photo album on Facebook of a newborn child. "Oh! Oh! I had a fucking child, everyone must see! Look at my child! You must look at it!" Why are you doing this to us? The difference between eating a salad and not eating a salad is essentially nothing. You don’t earn any bragging rights for eating a salad - it’s like saying you took a shit and got it in the bowl. Most achievements people let you know about are essentially that - took a shit, didn’t fuck it up - "BEST WEEKEND!" - oh really? You had a good weekend? That must have been difficult considering most people have the freedom of literally being able to do whatever they want with their time - but they don’t, do they? They spend their time attempting to jump some invisible bar life has set for them and salad-bragging is one of them.

Saladbragging babymakers.