Sometimes when I’m just sitting at work, doing nothing with my life except making $18/hr, I’m suddenly struck with the re-realization that, oh. Right. I’m totally responsible for keeping myself alive.
And I just can’t handle that. Why would someone give me this responsibility? Don’t they know I have other shit to worry about? And then my brain does whatever the mental equivalent to running around in tight circles with your arms flailing in the air is.

It just creeps me out that I could kill myself right now if I wanted to. That’s a lot of responsibility to put on someone’s shoulders. I can’t handle it. I can’t even emotionally handle waking up at 5 in the morning.

It does delight me that this morning, at 5:01, I was both awake and not killing myself. That is sucess like you read about!

EDIT: More to the point, I have the ability to kill someone else! I am just walking around, possessing the ability to murder someone, and people still trust me?! I STILL TRUST OTHER PEOPLE? THIS IS TOO MUCH.