Sometimes I get a little sad that I don’t even have the option of being a Hooters girl. I’d like to think that I’ve never done a job like this because I’m above it, but that’s definitely not why. I got kinda sad in the shower today because my boobs never look sensational. I don't even think anyone knows I have boobs. Not because they're small, but because they're so generic.

If I had the rack to get hired at Hooters, I’d probably be really good about making sure that my hair and make up were done for the first week. I’d wake up early and flat iron my hair and make my eyes look kinda spesh. After about a week of playing the part, I’d start throwing my hair up into a bun halfway through my shift and I’d refuse to purchase a second uniform, wearing the same shorts and tank top five nights a week and laundering them twice a week during the day.

I would be an ugly Hooters girl because I can’t keep my shit together, basically. Sometimes I feel sad about that.