My Internet presence has been lacking because I've been doing these practice tests for my upcoming test next month that will determine whether or not I have the brain capacity to teach kids unimportant things like math and reading.

I always got good grades in school. I never had to compete with my peers -- I had to compete with myself. I became obsessed with getting the best scores and writing the best papers and winning the best scholarships. I don't know if this is as apparent as I may think it is, but I can write anything. Give me a topic, and I can write a research paper on it in a few hours. My first major in college was forensic psychology, because I love murder, you guys! But also because psychology is a rare science that still has wiggle room for hypothesis and interpretation. I recognized that my favorite part of all of my research papers (that I wrote just a few hours before their Dropbox deadlines) was the creative writing that it allowed me to use.

All that to say, I hate standardized tests. I scored in the top percentiles, but never perfectly. I can't wrap my head around an exam that is designed to trick the person taking it. Any of these tests -- SATs, ACTs, GRE, CSET -- they're all inherently designed to have multiple correct answers and misleading details. Sure, that's the point, I suppose. But I would hardly consider a test that relies on minutiae and deliberate trickery an appropriate means to decipher someone's intellectual abilities.

But that's why I'm glad there are two writing portions. These graders are going to read so many flowery and detailed stories (filled to the brim with minutiae and deliberate trickery!) about periods and my vagina.

Then I'll really have won.