I get so scared of sleeping through my alarm that I stay awake in fear all night and then pass out exactly one hour before I need to wake up.

Spent an extra hour on my normally 40-minute long commute last night alternating between thinking “If this freeway closure has been caused by anything but a murder, I’m going to murder someone to make up for it,” and "no, I don’t mean that," and "I don’t think I meant that," and "wait, I think I mean it."