When I make my first million, I know the right thing to do will be to give some of that back to society by creating a Save the Suicides foundation to help all of the men out there who commit suicide after seeing a picture of Chris Thile. It must be really, really hard to know that you could never be Chris Thile.

I know I should do that, but I won’t because with each man that kills himself over not being Chris Thile, the Chris Thile percentage of population actually increases. And I could never deny myself a higher Chris Thile percentage of population.