re-writing my resume

Monday, August 5, 2013

Objective:

Hello person or persons, I would love to work at your place for money. As an idea woman, I have many thoughts that I can tell you about while you do whatever you're doing. I am fluent in English but I once communicated with a dog using my mind only so that's like 2 languages right there. He wanted some ice cream and I said okay. I own some nice clothes that make me look good. I'm also proficient in wearing floral dresses in a professional setting without making a big scene about it. I'm not afraid of working near possums or weird animals. I actually embrace that opportunity as a testament to my strong soul. Haven't been to Disneyland in like 3 years. Just wanted to bring that up real quick.

Experience:

Nanny: July 2011 - May 2013

I worked with a toddler who I am still obsessed with in a healthy way. She had two older brothers who were fun, too. Except the middle one who lied and peed the bed regularly. I still liked him but not a lot. Sometimes I would take naps while they were taking naps, but they were napping so it was okay. If one of them woke up I'd let them watch TV with me until I was ready to wake up. I fed them all their meals and wiped their butts even after they were potty trained, which is also a testament to my strong soul.

Urban Outfitters: September 2008 - May 2010

I worked pretty hard until I became a part-time Team Lead where I used my power to make nests out of housewares in the backstock room so I could catnap while lesser teenage dopes did my job for me. I had to do basic cashier work and a few times I didn't mess anything up. I quit because I didn't get health benefits and the managers were catty. Got written up for watching Murder She Wrote on my phone in the men's section. Not my fault.

Other jobs: 2004 - forever?

Trust me, I've worked at other places and done a good job. I worked on my college campus for a while. I also did some freelance graphic design work. And there was that bakery. Listen, I get real life mixed up with dreams. I'm pretty sure I've never been a professional snowboarder but who the heck knows, right?

Education:

California State University, Channel Islands: 2004 - 2008 (plz note that is only 4 years. Plz see previous sections about my strong soul)

Pursued a degree in Graphic Design. Minored in hollering at hotties. LOL that's not a minor. Just a funny joke that you probably like a lot.

Skills:

I once ate some de-icing salt for driveways during snowstorms on a dare and I didn't die. Computers. Social media. Cool drum beats. Ukulele a little. Photoshop. I consistently burn my tongue on piping hot pizza and I barely even complain about it. Pizza should never be piping hot, though. Keep that pizza a little cool. No need for it to be like the Sun, dude. Naps. Horseplay. Healthy fear of rollercoasters and seaweed.