new attempts at self-esteem

Thursday, August 8, 2013

I just took a break from thinking about job offers and life decisions and stood in the kitchen, leaning against the sink, eating oatmeal and looking my dog in his begging eyes. By the last bite I was laughing quietly and maniacally, alone, because I am human and he cannot get oatmeal for himself and for some reason my superiority makes me feel better about myself.

"What’s wrong? You want oatmeal? You want this oatmeal? But this is my oatmeal. You can have some oatmeal if you want. You can use my oats and my pots and my water. Go ahead. I’m giving you permission. What’s wrong? No opposable thumbs? Can’t turn on the faucet? Don’t know how a stove works?"

As a very young child I dreamed of creating the world’s largest map. It would have been life size and easy to make since I would simply trace the coastlines and highways onto a giant sheet of paper. I didn’t think about the numerous flaws in this plan, how it could never work out, how I would never prosper, I was too blind-sided with what an amazing idea it was.

That is what my life feels like right now.

Last night I was looking into a mirror as my mom was telling a story. I interrupted her, straight up talked right over whatever words she was saying that I wasn’t listening to because I am an asshole and other people are inconsequential to my life, and said in a panic, “I'm starting to get eye wrinkles and I still have acne scars and yesterday when I furrowed my brow in the mirror I realized one of the wrinkles momentarily stayed when I released the hold and I’m 26 and I still live with my parents and I don’t know what I’m DOING ANYMORE.”

There was a beat of silence, and then an “Oh,” and then more silence and then, “you really just unloaded all of your problems in one go,” and then I apologized.