speaking of becoming a drug addict

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

“Sometimes I talk in class,” I blurted out during my 5th grade parent-teacher conference, desperately trying to cover up my true nature.

“Sometimes,” my teacher agreed. “But only when you sit next to Jackie.”

“I’ve met Jackie,” my mother interjected. “I thought she was a bad influence.”

I think that was when I realized I would never develop a heroin addiction or become pregnant at the age of 15. I was as disappointed as anything, and then from about 7th grade to my junior year of high school I laid dormant and had absolutely no personality. That’s honestly how I look back at those years, The Era of No Personality.

Jackie turned out to be an awful and boring person who probably hasn’t done shit with her life and I turned out to be the type of person who actually spent time justifying inappropriate puns about Down Syndrome on the Internet just now. It’s tough to say who came in last.

(No, it was Jackie. She definitely came in last.)