the saddest story ever

Thursday, May 9, 2013

by Karin Haule

Last week I bought bag of peanut butter M&Ms for myself as a treat. I have been eating a lot of salads / vegetables because I have a really important Memorial Day weekend coming up that will require me to be in minimal clothing, and I didn’t have room for my M&Ms in my body but I thought that I’d hold on to it as a special treat. Sometimes I like to carry around a really special treat in my purse and then eat it when I’ve hit rock bottom. It’s not emotional eating, it’s just like… yes. It’s emotional eating.

The thing is this: I can be having the worst week ever (and what week ISN’T the worst week ever?!) but if I have something like a bag of M&Ms in my purse, I’m like “This is this worst week ever… but I’ve got snacks.” because snacks are the shit and who doesn’t love them? This is why, BTW, this is why you shouldn’t motivate your kids by promising them trips to the ice cream store or candy shop or whatever. I have been doing that to bribe Avery into peeing in the toilet and not her pants, but seriously. Regardless of that, I think it’s a notable feeling, when you walk in to a Uhaul store to buy more bubble wrap and tape and you're thinking to yourself “It’s OK. I’m really poor right now, but there’s half a bottle of Country Club Vodka in my freezer and I’ve got M&Ms that I can eat at any time. I am going to have a stellar evening. I’ve got supplies for greatness.”

The M&Ms sat in my purse Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and I’m sure at least a part of yesterday. I kept feeling them when I reached for my keys and thinking “I am so spiritually rich right now. I have a snack saved for later. Whenever I want. That is MY chocolate.” It was straight chillin’ in my bag with my chapstick and my receipts and all that junk I’m saving for when the world explodes and it’s just me and my bag hanging on to a branch at the end of the universe. It was a great feeling.

Last night I decided that maybe it was time to eat the M&Ms. I dodged the feeling for about an hour by forcing myself to respond to emails and look at myself in the mirror while imagining none of my clothes on while at the beach with a dope ass family who I love and adore. I gave in and decided to dig the M&Ms out of my purse. They weren’t there. I sifted through the thing about a dozen times. Now that there was so much anticipation surrounding these things, I really wanted them.  I almost emptied my purse completely at one point but decided that it was pointless because M&Ms bags are fairly large, they are hard little balls and I have feeling in my hands. If the snacks were there, I would have felt them. They were missing. I lost my M&Ms.

You guys, I’m really sad about that. Sure, I can go get a new bag today, no problem. Please! I could probably get like, three or four with just the heap of change in my purse. I’m loaded, change-wise. Change-wise I’m like, Gayle King. Very wealthy. I could probably get six or seven. But that’s not the point. The point is I wanted a snack and I couldn’t have it.

I guess the moral of this story is: You might buy a bag of M&Ms on a Sunday, but don’t expect it to wait around until Thursday. You can’t always get what you want and you can’t make all your dreams come true. Sometimes you have to sacrifice things for the one you love. You can forgive, but you can never forget.

The End.