Thursday I got sick with a stomach thing. All day I was fighting nausea, took a nap in the middle of the day (at work), felt a little better when I woke up, but quickly felt sick again. I dry heaved while driving the kids around to their various activities, and when we finally got back to the house, I puked my head off. Avery kept telling me to stop, and in between purges I'd say, "TRUST ME, I AM TRYING."

Smokey also came in the bathroom to see what all the fuss was about. Have you ever vomited for an audience? An audience telling you to stop?

Turned out I didn't have to work on Friday, so I got sent home a little early and went to bed. I don't know why I was sick... I thought it might have been food poisoning, but I wasn't puking with such violent fervor. Same goes with the stomach flu. It was just... arbitrary and inconvenient vomiting. With sharp stomach pains. My boss mentioned I might have a small ulcer.

I've considered this before. It started a few years ago. I asked him about it, even though I already knew it because I am a Child of the Internet and had WebMD’d my symptoms, and he told me everything I already knew. I asked him how long it would keep happening for, he said it could be a couple weeks or, ya know, the rest of my life.

Throat slitting in aisle 7. I’m so done with mediocre bullshit. Go big or go home. If I’m not ulcer-free by June, I hope I have fucking cancer.