Most of the time my anxiety is fine, but every so often this really awesome thing happens where I will be doing something completely innocuous like listening to my iTunes on shuffle and then all of a sudden I start to feel nervous for no reason, which makes me think of all of the real reasons to be nervous, which makes me even more nervous, and then my stomach turns and I get sweaty, and start getting more anxious about finding a place to throw up, and what if I get trapped somewhere and throw up all over myself? And then my heart doesn’t have enough room to beat properly and my chest is caving in on itself and my cranium is filling with spinal fluid and my neck feels tight and I can feel myself decomposing because I’ve never been good enough for anybody and the only way I get anywhere is because I'm a privileged white girl.

Which is stupid, illogical shit. I know it now and I know it then and there is some part of me that is saying “you stupid motherfucker,” while the other 90% focuses on not throwing up / dying. Until it’s over and then it’s 100% of me who wants to beat me up at the flagpole for what a tiring nerd my brain is being.

I keep waiting for this phase to pass because, ha ha ha ha, my life is a litany of over-dramatic emotional episodes and minor chemical imbalances and this is just one tick that will fade once the new tick begins.

I’m a big believer in just getting the hell over things, because there’s nothing at the end of this shitty life and there is no sense wasting it doing anything but whatever puts a goofy grin on your dumb face.

This is a blog post about learning how to put yourself first.