Yo, I haz a nice manicure and a positive attitude. I’m having an unusually okay Sunday because for some reason I’m feeling really extra hopeful. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, thinking how I can maximize my super flexible paycheck while I’m freelancing for different blogs and (yay!) actually working a day job I really enjoy. I’ve gotten tiny little tastes of success and recognition before, just teensy, tiny minor tastes and I don’t think I could live any other way, so I just gotta fucking do it, man. I have to make my dreams possible, even if it ends with be being stabbed at my sick ass mansion in the hillz by some obsessed fan that I already have a restraining order against.

I feel like the next few months of my life are going to be really important. I am more hungry to be on point and to innovate and experiment and grow than ever. And I have a dope iPod that’s the best ever to listen to, and a handful of bomb ass friends and the for seriously funniest/most awesome BFFs ever and the most modelish dog at home and a family of people I work with that give me all the room I need to be me. Whenever someone tells me about their struggles, when they’ve thought they’ve come close to a personal rock-bottom, I always tell them that old saying “it’s always darkest right before dawn.” Because it is, bro. It’s only when you’re so sick of being in a funk that you can break the hell out of it and get proactive.

I’ve been like totally Negstown, and out of it, and crazy and paranoid for a few months now because of a lot of random life crap (ya know, the shit I’m constantly whining about like my problems are special?). I’ve been out of touch with friends, less inspired to create content that will change u 7 eva, bored with my life, mad ball-droppish and super complainy and not so cool. Also, mad sensitive. I wake up every day wondering if I still have friends, if I’ve burned all my bridges, if anyone still really cares about me. How whack is that? I always talk myself down pretty quickly, remind myself that I have my friends and family and people I owe emails to or work with get that I’m just trying to keep making my life in Nashville possible by making that paper and doing everything else I want to do in the few hours a day I have time to do it. I just felt like, in a way, my life wasn’t even about me anymore, ya know?

This whole experience I’ve gone through has been a test to see how bad I want something... anything. Can I bust my ass writing 9-dollar-a-piece blog entries and/or working as a full time nanny while I simultaneously pursue my dream of being a writer/funny chick/talk show host/songwriter/cool ass lady that people respect because they are affected by me?

That was a lot of feelings, I know. I’ve talked to a few people recently who said they’ve been reading this blog for several years (yup, I started blogging a long time ago. Some of the people have been reading this since my super emo LiveJournal days. Some of you all have been following my journey for a long while now and I’m real grateful. Grateful enough to feel like I at least owe you these honest confessions once in awhile about the stuff I’m scared to even really talk about with the people I’m closest with because it’s so weird and self-indulgent seeming. But, ya know, I know that whenever I go through these mini-dry spells of inspiration that there are some people who keep sticking with me. So thanks for that.

...You won’t regret it?