Look, I know I can be a little dramatic on the Internet, but I am almost certain that I will never hear out of my left ear again.

I've been super sick since Wednesday. At first I thought it was the flu, because I had a pretty bad fever, chills, body aches, and general suicidal thoughts. My sore throat lasted for three days. Now I have a dry cough and my left ear is so plugged, all I can hear is a faint ringing, which I assume is my body's way of begging for help.

I have tried everything. I've yawed, plugged my nose, sat in a steamy shower for a half hour, put a hot/wet compress against my ear, dripped hydrogen peroxide in there. Nothing works. It won't budge. My other ear is practically fine, and my nose isn't even congested anymore. I can breathe normally. I can hear normally out of my right ear. But my left ear is more plugged than I think it's ever been.

God, if you're reading this, give me a sign. I will never say another curse word again if you unplug my ear right now. I'll start telling people I love them. I'll feed all of the hungry children and then adopt them. I'll start a choir in a church and be awesome like Whoopi. You know what I'm talking about.

Unplug my ear or kill me.

I feel like a goat's nipple.