I have mental constipation and nobody cares.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

My anxiety has tripled and grown several more heads.

I forgot to refill my Ativan supply while out in California (which means I forgot to dump some of my mom's Ativan into my dad's old Xanax bottle that he gave me last Summer). I have quite a few left, and hopefully enough to last me until I can get back out there again... but damn, money is so tight lately, and the thought of purchasing airfare/flying across the country/inevitably having to fly back here again is really, really, really exhausting me right now. Rent is due today and I had to move money from my savings into my checking, where I saw that my last two paychecks were deposited into my secondary checking account, which made me feel better for a minute, until I saw my outstanding credit card bill, which is what I have been using to buy my birth control, without insurance, which is $200 for a 3-month supply. Not to mention a plethora of other potential expenses coming up for me and I really can't deal right now.

Do you see how boring all of that is? That's not even the beginning of it. I just took a shower and said to myself, "Girl, you got mental constipation."

Too true. There are just so many things going through my head right now that I can't focus on any single one of them without freaking out and moving on to the next thought. They're all just stuck up there, and there's no such thing as Fiber 1 for brains.

After I spent $80 on groceries this morning (speaking of irrational anxiety), in the parking lot while on the way to my car, I saw a penny on the ground just as a car was pulling up next to me. I bent down and picked up the heads-up penny and felt even more anxiety for thinking I was about to get murdered because of that old adage that goes something like “find a penny, pick it up, all day long you won’t get murdered.” I mean, that’s not the literal adage, but it’s certainly the implied one. The man got out of his car and said hello, and I couldn't even make eye contact with him, let alone say hello back, and ducked into my car with a dirty floor penny that probably has fecal matter on it, which is just so, totally, completely how I have been feeling about everything. Me and my shit pennies and our anxiety cultivation.