ASK ME EVERYTHING

Friday, January 4, 2013

I get a lot of emails from hip high schoolers asking me for weird (super weird) advice sometimes, so I decided to start offering a public service for you guys at a new email address. You can email me your questions and I'll do my best to answer them, but don't ask me for your chemistry homework questions because I failed AP Chem. My teacher literally told me to drop the class because I wouldn't pass. That's why I didn't get into UCLA. Seriously. Fuck chemistry.

This is particularly funny because two weeks ago I sent a text message to a friend saying something like “If I ever tell you that I’ve started another Internet service that’s akin to rolling around in jelly in hanging out in a bear cage, stop me.”

A few years ago, I had a Formspring for a week because, duh! I love talking about myself! I answered like, 20 questions. Most of them were really nice or thoughtful or interesting or something. Something worth answering. And then I got a question that said this:

“Do you think your absentee father and alcoholic mother are to blame for your substance abuse?”

Damn! Way to take the gloves off, Internet! Of course it’s not true that my father wasn’t around (his schedule was whack, but that's all) and it’s completely untrue that my mother is anything close to an alcoholic, and well, I wish I was wealthy enough to have a substance abuse problem, but I guess I can see why someone would come to those conclusions. I leave a lot of gaps because I don’t care to share everything about my life, so I know people are going to fill them in in their own ways.

Just to clarify for anyone who might be curious as to why I mention my day-to-day schedule and/or anything otherwise meaningless and irrelevant to you: This is my life. I don’t poke around your blog and then attempt to write about how ridiculous you are for boring me with that anecdote about ordering more liquid paper for your boss, or how hilarious it is to everyone that you think your band is good.


So, in conclooge:

1) As if I give a crap about what you think about me!
2) I totally give a crap about what you think sometimes, so please consider that I’m a real person when you email me.
3) I’m asking you to just kiss my ass and leave.

4) I'll post answers once a week, and only with your explicit permission first. Don't worry. I'm not trying to humiliate anyone other than myself.

Have a fun weekend!