This weekend I got bummed out because I made myself some eggs and toast, and decided I would treat myself to breakfast in bed. Naturally, I dumped the whole plate onto my white comforter, and sat there with stunned eyes until I finally accepted that I would have to drag my huge comforter down into the freezing / scary / bug-infested garage to wash it.

So I did, and whatever. Whatever, until I opened the washing machine and some mold situation was on the corner of my freshly-washed comforter. Huh? So I ran the cycle again. With Oxyclean. Same thing. I tossed it in the dryer and said, "okay, fine, I'll just go get a new comforter."

Because I'm an American and we are wasteful.

So on Saturday, I mentioned to some friends that I wanted to go to check out the comforters at Target and Macy's. You know, really innocent shit. An honest conversation about grown up things.

I don’t know about you, but I’m from a family of a certain amount of education and class. I don’t make fun of people for what types of ugly, generic home furnishings they divulge in. And then my friend said all snarky-like, "Um, yeah, maybe because you had a white comforter." A white comforter, as if I have sex with my cousins or something. Have you ever been to a nice ass hotel? What color is the comforter, bitch? It's elegant and amazing and clean and delicious. And you know, like a lot of people, I don’t know what I want until I get to the store and see my options. I could want another white comforter, I could want a patterned duvet, I could want to drape some yards of fabric over a crappy blanket like I'm a college student. I am a crafty person. I can work fabric to create something that will certainly blow my mind every time I see it. I live here. I am the person who lives in my house. WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT COLOR MY COMFORTER IS?

So then they started picking on me. They're like “Who gets a white comforter?” and they were saying it as if like, I asked for the skin of three dead Presidents to staple across my bed to keep me warm. Like, me saying that I had a white comforter, I was now asking to have my socioeconomic status ripped apart.

Screw you. Read a book. White comforters are the best. I hate playing semantics-based games with people who don’t have an excellent grasp of the English language or the concept of class. I live how I want.

I didn't ask you to chime in on my decorating, nor have I even suggested to you that I would like you to remind me of where you stand on these things.

AND JUST FYI, I BOUGHT A WHITE COMFORTER & SHAM SET AT TARGET FOR A HUNDRED BUCKS. THEY GOT GRAY FLOWERY THINGS ON THEM. THEY'RE SICK AS HELL, AND SUPER SOFT AND LUXURIOUS.

AND LIKE, DOUBLE FYI, WE GOT ANOTHER QUILT AT WEST ELM, WHICH IS TOTAL RICH PEOPLE STATUS. WE GOT A QUILT AND FANCY SHAMS. AND THEY'RE WHITE. WITH GRAY AND YELLOW CRAP ON THEM. AND THEY'RE SOFT. AND I'LL SPILL WHATEVER I WANT.

So like, yeah. Screw anyone else who thinks they are going to tell me how my white comforter is or isn’t going to keep me warm, regardless of color. I don’t do crack, you can’t talk to me like I spend money on crack.