I'm not a terribly scientific person. I always excelled in the arts -- language, fine art, music, debate -- because I'm a fluid thinker and like to think about things in complex dimensions. There's no room for any of that in science. Science is law, and for good reason, and although I am a logical, pragmatic person, I appreciate the robustness of imagination and daydreaming.

I can only prove this next statement with anecdote and experience, but I am certain that it's a scientific fact that every Halloween, there will be exactly one fun-sized Take 5 bar and one fun-sized Reese's Fast Break bar in each participating household's candy treasury.

How? How, in a household consisting of several children, does this phenomenon exist every single year? Seriously. I'm 26 years old now. This has been going on since I can remember. ONE OF EACH. I grew up in a family of two kids. ONE OF EACH. EVERY YEAR. And these aren't, like, widely manufactured candy bars, I don't think. I know I've seen Take 5 bars at truck stops and stuff, but I don't know if I've ever seen a full-sized Fast Break bar. Or maybe just one or two. But, you know? We can expect the Snickers and the 3 Musketeers and the Milky Way bars... but these two are rare gems from another world.

This morning I tested my theory.

Three kids in this family.

One Take 5.

One Fast Break.

THREE KIDS.


SOMEBODY EXPLAIN THIS TO ME.



RELATED: Fun-sized candy bars are smaller than they used to be. This is not a product of me getting larger. Cos believe me when I say I participate in consuming tons of cruelty-filled chocolate bars every single year. I didn't just suddenly get gigantic. In fact, the opposite! I've gotten smaller! They got smaller. I know it.