Remember how I posted a rant about how weddings are awesome and everybody needs a thousand clues?

I totally take it back. Because all your weddings suck.

What happened? When did weddings die? The day Pinterest was born?

What do you want me to say?

Yay! Another outdoor wedding! Probably at a barn! With mason jars! And, like, vintage suitcases! Oh! Chalkboards! Twinkle lights! Great! Outdoors! It's totally not freezing in November! This is very efficient and not at all a literal pain in the ass to have to watch you get married while sitting on an uncomfortable folding chair on a farm! Oh cool, you saw that on Pinterest! How unique and interesting! No wedding band? We're just listening to indie music from your iPod? Great! Oh! Wow! All your bridesmaids are wearing Toms! Haha! So glad you chose to go with bland cupcakes instead of a full cake, because I hate cake! I am also very glad you didn't spend the money on feeding me anything other than home-made gluten-free vegan crackers (and NOT those horrible gluten-filled crackers that contribute to a lot of animal deaths and abuse!!!), because I can see you spent a ton of money renting out this old shitty barn! Not to mention, the $2 wine you are serving me makes up for the $50 gift I brought! You are such an individual! How do you live day to day knowing your uniqueness is unparalleled?

This is why I'm getting married in a court house and none of you are invited. (EXCEPT YOU, MOM AND DAD, AND LIKE, WHOEVER ELSE WANTS TO COME WATCH.)

(I am also never getting married.)

EDIT: Okay okay, like, don't get pissed off. I'm not saying I haven't had fun at your weddings. I'm not saying that at all. I just probably couldn't get a good enough buzz from your shitty wine.