dear people getting married,

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Boy oh boy! I’m PISSED!

How dare you!? How dare you make that decision for your life?!?! I don’t think you’ve thought about how much this is really about me.

How can you walk around knowing that you’re spending a ton of money on a open bar that I can drink? Also, I’m poor and I never eat roast beef and lobster bisque, so you know, it’s really screwed up of you to feed me those things knowing that I probably won’t get to eat either of them again until another couple of idiots find the person that they want to spend their life with. And the cake? Screw you for supplying me with endless delicious cake.

And frankly, dressing up three times a year was already getting to be a little much. I really resent that I have to spend an hour getting ready one day this month and not wear something that is the closest thing to pajamas as possible while not actually being pajamas.

You know when I said all those things about how we were friends and how I never had any problem throwing you a birthday party or meeting you some place on a whim because you wanted company? All those sentiments go out the window because you found someone you want to spend your life with and frankly, combined with the fancy outfit and the delicious free food, that’s too much.

Finally, that invitation you sent me in the mail that cost two dollars to send because the cardstock was so heavy and gorgeously printed and embellished? You know, the one that gave me the option of responding se vous plait? Why didn’t you just come to my house and rape me?

Love,
Any Big Crybaby You Know

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Yo... people have to stop complaining about people getting married and having to go to weddings. There are people fighting to be able to get married. It’s a big deal to people. If someone you know being happy makes you so sad about you, go eat a slice of cake and then work on your vision board or something. Lately, I have had zero patience for people who make things about themselves when they shouldn't. Show up, eat and drink your face off, make out with someone in the wedding party, and be happy for whoever it was whose invitation you couldn’t refuse. There is a lot of possible fun there and the admission fee is a blender or a set of towels. You can’t buy that kind of hooked up party for even 100 dollars. And if they have a band, forget it. You’re in for a time and a half if you play your cards right and start with liquor AND champagne before the ceremony. Wedding bands are hilarious and it’s a privilege to be in the same room as them.

Honestly, it’s like being the cool roommate on The Real World. Are you gonna kick back in the hot tub with a brewski and have some laughs, or are you gonna call someone a racist on the first night?

Everyone needs to chill out, dawg.