Remember when I had to get a dental implant three months ago?

For those of you unfamiliar with this procedure, it takes place in several installments. Step one is getting your bad tooth extracted and placing the implant (which is just a titanium screw) into your jaw. That's what I did three months ago. You have to wait a few months for the bone to integrate with the implant so that it can sufficiently support chewing and stuff. Whatever.

So I have had a hole in my mouth that entire time. Did I buy the $900 temporary denture to fill that hole? Yes. Yes I did. Do I wear it? No. I don't. Because when I first got it, it was too tight. I had to take narcotic pain medication to feel relief. Then, it didn't fit properly and I developed a giant blister on the inside of my mouth that wouldn't heal. Then it got STUCK in my mouth one night. After three hours of crying on the couch and trying to get it out (without rubbing that blister), it shot out of my mouth and I said I'd never wear it again. Then, I went to the dentist to have it adjusted... which meant taking it IN AND OUT AND IN AND OUT AND IN AND OUT AND IN AND OUT until finally it was so loose it wouldn't even stay in place. Then it was just too loose to even use. Then I went back to have it tightened and the dental assistant used the wrong bonding material and CEMENTED IT INTO MY MOUTH. And then it had to be DRILLED OUT by the dentist. DRILLED. And then she couldn't drill all the way, so she RIPPED it out of my mouth, giving me an instant swollen blue blister on the OTHER SIDE of my mouth.

And it's still too loose.

That's why I don't wear it.


Today is the second installment of procedures, which includes having my gum cut back open to place the abutment, which will eventually hold my permanent crown, onto the implant screw.

And then in, like, 2 weeks or so I get my crown. I think. I don't know! Who knows?! I DON'T.

What if I go in there and they look in my mouth and say, "Oh no. This is all wrong. This surely has not healed properly. You have many things wrong with your mouth and also this entire procedure has failed. We must not continue with this treatment and also you have to lose all of your other teeth as well. That will be $5,000 please."

Then what, Internet? THEN WHAT?

(I say, as I am CHEWING ICE.)

(I know. Can you believe it? I bring this all on myself. All of the physical ailments as well as the mental ones. It's like, part of my brand. It's part of my digital identity, isn't it? If you guys know one thing about me, it's the way I expect the worst and then often things are even worse than that. Or not. It's my imagination. I'm just dramatic. I just have a flare for extremes in my writing. Maybe I never even got this surgery, and I've just created it in my head. Who knows. This is the Internet.)