Sometimes you just have to straight up lie to children to get them to listen. Religion aside, I might raise my children to believe in God just because I wholly remember not listening to my mother politely ask me not to threaten to kill my sister, but only responding to those requests when she informed me that God and Santa are watching all of the time.

This is why there is a witch that steals little boys who go outside alone. Because if there wasn’t a witch that steals little boys who go outside alone, then the 6 year old boy I watch, who is home from school today, would be going outside alone all of the G.D. time.

Today the 6 year old boy who I watch informed me that the witch resides, rather appropriately, in the witch’s house in the woods behind the fence, and is actually dead, and a ghost witch.

The ghost witch, he politely explained, would not be coming to our house today because she is pooping her pants too much. All the time. All the time, the ghost witch is pooping her pants.