Red Velvet Brownies

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


So the bitch on Pinterest was hollering at some type of crack when she gave her directions on how to make these. Here are my directions, so that yours won't be as sad looking as mine are (it's because they are a family of 9 and have to share 1 plate. It isn't ideal, but after Daddy Brownie got laid off, they had to downsize to a small plate and Mommy left when Daddy got a Mistress.)

Non-Retarded Red Velvet Brownies
  • 1 (18.25 oz) box of Red Velvet cake mix
  • 1 egg
  • 3/4 cup melted butter
  • 1/2 cup water
Preheat oven to 325. In a large mixing bowl, melt butter. Add egg and water. Mix thoroughly. Add contents of cake box. Mix thoroughly. If you want, add some nuts, or some white chocolate chips, or whatever the hell you feel like. It's your time to shine. Pour into greased 9"x13" pan. Bake for 25-30 minutes on center rack.

After removing from oven, DON'T TRANSFER TO A COOLING RACK. BECAUSE HALF OF YOUR SHEET WILL CRUMBLE AND FALL ALL OVER THE COUNTER, ALL OVER THE FLOOR, JUST ALL OVER EVERYWHERE. Let cool for about 20 minutes. You're either done, or you can get a fun cookie cutter and cut that shit into cuteness. I used hearts, because it's Valentine's Day and hearts rule the world. ...Damn. That should be somebody's slogan. Hearts Rule the World. That's way deep... even for me.

Huh.

Anyway, you'll have a ton of leftover brownie crumbness. I don't really know what to tell you about that. You can eat it with a fork like a person with class, or you can just shove it in your mouth. Or throw it out. Or pawn it off on Instagram. It's a pretty personal experience and you can alter it however you see fit.

I'm not giving away my cream cheese frosting recipe since it's so personal, but like, you can probably figure it out. And you might want to hire someone who takes the time to frost these puppies with a little style, and not like a peasant like I did.

Happy f'ing Valentine's Day.