Thursday, October 6, 2011

Hi you guys.

Do ever feel like vomiting when you think about your life? Not actually vomiting, but more like all of the symptoms of vomiting minus the actual stuff coming out of your mouth?

I was just sitting here replaying incidents in my head, which is something I do constantly, and I start harping on decisions I've made in those moments.  Whether it be when I chose to leave a situation or the way I phrased something, I'll think of it and suddenly a huge amount of shock/grief/embarrassment comes over me like a hot flash and my guts fall deep into my stomach.

Sometimes I fixate on specific exchanges and they play out over and over again in my head and I wish more than anything I could reach in to my memory and smack myself in the face for not knowing how to say the right thing.

Does that happen to everyone, or am I just particularly hard on myself? Wasn't this covered in Catcher in the Rye?

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling that way. I knew my dreams that night were particularly tangible and realistic. My stomach physically hurt, and before I left for work I laid on top of my bed, thinking about how sick I'd made myself feel from whatever dream I had the night before.

I packed a ziplock bag of Apple Straws, ate them ALL on my drive to work, and felt a little better. I walked in and one of my bosses said he was going to be sticking around all day because he spent all night vomiting, and so did his son. All night. I asked, "oh, did you guys eat something bad?" "No. It's a virus. For sure."

Then I started getting really hot and proceeded to vomit for about 15 hours, on and off.

I'm chill now, don't worry.

It wasn't my dreams making me sick! It was a stomach virus! Talk about dra-ma-tic.