DO YOU KNOW?

Friday, August 19, 2011

Does anyone know what this is?
It's my laptop battery. Pretending to be alive when it isn't. That is what the Apple Care guy told me. That sometimes Macbook Pro batteries die, but they are in denial about dying so my iStat application lies to me. Kind of like what ghosts do. They die but don't want to be dead. My Macbook Pro battery is a ghost that is haunting my operating system. According to Apple, they sell their consumers ghost batteries. Batteries that think they can work, but do not work anymore. Apple sells people ghosts of machinery that should work but do not.

This is the battery I received for free (because I cried*) when my original battery decided it would die. That battery wasn't a ghost, though. No. That one was saved, and went into the light, straight into Jesus Battery's kingdom. That battery sort of had, like, pancreatic cancer.** It didn't do anything wrong to deserve it dying... but it just died. And way too early. I was in denial, I got angry, I tried negotiating with Apple (the tears, you guys), and eventually I accepted it. Because I was given a new one free of charge.

A free ghost battery. I hope you are laughing all the way to the bank, Apple. You just got $100 and 2-5 business days out of me. So help me God, if this one doesn't last me AT LEAST 300 CHARGE CYCLES, I will use my connections with battery purgatory and make sure someone in your family gets food poisoning or a really hairy face mole. Because I hate you. But... I just can't quit you.

Does anyone know what this is?
It's the empty 15 oz. bag of Cinnamon Apple Straws that my mother shipped to me three days ago. Because I don't have a Sam's Club card. Because I spend all of my hard earned money on replacing something that shouldn't need to be replaced. Oh, and I ate the entire thing in 3 days. And I lost 4 pounds. There's a lot of fiber in a serving of these. And obviously I eat more than a serving. I poop a lot. It's not a huge deal, but I do, and I lost weight. I am wasting away. And if anyone out there has a Sam's Club card, I will post my home address on the Internet if it means I can have a fresh supply of these on the reg. I'm very fragile right now.

But you know what, Apple? You don't own me. You aren't going to stop me from driving out to bus call tomorrow morning to get my boyfriend's truck and driving to Mt. Juliet to buy a piano from a Baptist church for $100. You won't. In fact, the only thing you are stopping me from doing is going out and getting wasted right now. But I got you there, cos I already had a Xanax, and I have a 72 oz. bag of chocolate chips from Costco downstairs.

Suck it, Apple.

*I have cried to get a free replacement battery, and I have cried so that they would let me return an (OPENED) software disc. I'm a genius.

**EDIT: OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE A PANCREATIC CANCER JOKE. IT JUST HIT ME NOW. STEVE JOBS. PANCREATIC CANCER. MAYBE THIS WHOLE THING REALLY DID JUST COME FULL CIRCLE? IDK! IDK! I'M SORRY, JESUS BATTERY AND REAL JESUS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

This is a blog post about how various types of Apple products have made me sad today.