1. I thought my life was so sad because my nose has been producing some nasty product for almost a week now. I was so sad for myself, and my nose, and even more sad that I was Googling "how to get m[y] nose to stop running."

2. I was sad until I saw the alternative. Someone is probably way sadder than I am.

3. What? Like, things you can do to shrink it? Like eat the wrong side of the mushroom, through your nose, and whatnot? Or like, put your nose in the dryer too many times? Who would Google that?

4. Who?