From now on, whenever I feel badly about myself, I will remind myself that I will never have to go through junior high again.

I will drive around in search of 14 year olds (easily identified by their Trying-Too-Hard-To-Fit-In-With-One-Particular-Clique-Clothing and/or the look of misery in its purest form upon their faces), stop my car and point and laugh at them, “YOU’RE 14!” And I’ll laugh and laugh and laugh. “YOU’RE 14 AND I’M 24, HAHAHAH” And I’ll be bent over at the waist because I am laughing so hard at how badly that sucks for them and, by proxy, how awesome it is for me. “YOU’RE 14 AND YOU’RE GOING TO BE 14 FOR UPWARDS OF A YEAR! HAHAHA! AND AFTER THAT YOU’RE 15! OH, THAT’S RICH. THAT’S RICH.”

And then I will drive off, never having felt better about my life.