breastfeeding mental image

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

After spending no more than five minutes on FaceFace and reading about THREE of my friends who are currently breastfeeding, I feel compelled to comment on breastfeeding.

Ever since my friends started to have children and talk about breastfeeding woes and excitement, I’ve become udderly (HA) obsessed with the fact that my nipples will one day lactate. I can’t get over it. It’s so disgusting to me. These things? You mean these things? These things will one day have MILK coming from them? Bullshit. BULLSHIT. I don’t believe it.

I’m picturing every women given a pamphlet after they’ve given birth, a pamphlet about how they are to join in on tricking the general public about the lie that breasts lactate. “It’s just this centuries-old practical joke we’ve got going on with men and infertile women, don’t worry about it.”

I mean, whatever. Whatever. I’m reeling. Have you ever seen a nipple, you guys? It wasn’t until I was like, 21 did I learn that nipples don’t have holes. I assumed that like… a… hole… was there, but it was microscopic, and it opened wider when you had a baby. FOR 21 YEARS I ASSUMED THAT. And then I found out that instead it comes out your whole damn nipple. IT JUST LEAKS? IT LEAKS OUT OF ABOUT 20 PORES. FROM YOUR NIPPLE. MY NIPPLE. SOMEDAY.

Or it projects. My friend was able to projectile shoot milk 3 feet.

It’s just bullshit. Ridiculous. I can’t fathom it.