shut out in the cold once again by the academy

Thursday, February 4, 2010

You guys probably have been waiting for me to address the Oscar nominations. Actually, I know you have. My email crashed last night because of the influx of questions “Why haven’t you posted about the Oscars yet?” “Who do you think is going to win?” “Are you upset you weren’t nominated?”

It’s the last question that speaks to my feelings about this year’s Oscars. I am, in fact, upset that I wasn’t given any recognition for my work this year.

Sure, sure… Gabourey Sidibe had a terrible life while getting incestuously thrown around in “Precious,” but DID SHE EAT 8 CUPCAKES AND SING AN AMERICAN CLASSIC AT THE SAME TIME? No. Girl wouldn’t have dreamed of stepping that far outside of herself.

Yeah, Helen Mirren. I think you’ve won before, but have you ever broken it down within an inch of your sloppy drunk life in the parking lot of Cha Cha Lounge to the best Beyonce jam known to man? No. I don’t think you did, you maternally-challenged atheist.

Carey Mulligan? I have never even heard of you. You know who I have heard of? Like an exceptional amount? Karin Haule. That’s who.

Meryl Streep, you crooked slut. You have been worthless to me since your performance as Mary Fisher in the major motion picture co-starring comedian Roseanne She Devil. Just kidding. Deep down I love you. But BTW, have you heard of me?

Finally, Sandra Bullock… Hasn’t that greedy mooch won like, two Golden Globes? That equals one Oscar. Sorry Sandra, it’s called math and people do it. I don’t know if you do math, but I do math.
I think that’s pretty much case-closed on who deserved a nomnomnom this year. It was me, Kar. And I hope that whichever one of you broads wins knows that deep down you didn’t really deserve that trophy.