I have to admit that I myself drink what’s probably a gallon of Diet Coke a day. I love Diet Coke. I love the way it fizzes in my mouth, I love the way it compliments a Cheez-It and I really love how it tastes like America. But I have to quit. I have to.

I’ve said it before, but the only other time I’ve gone on a long-term soda ban, I lost TEN POUNDS in two weeks. TEN. Just by cutting out diet, calorie-free soda. I’m not trying to lose weight because I’m not concerned about my body or my health, but whenever I think of the fact that I regularly consume something that is capable of making you gain 10 pounds for no reason, I start to feel a little grossed out. Not to mention that it’s horrible for your teeth and it’s embarrassing to be at a nice restaurant and order soda. Not that I go to nice restaurants without Darien, but when I do, I want to be able to say classy things like, “I’m fine with water” or “Can I see your wine list?” instead of “Can you just pour a bunch of colored sugar all over my filet? That would be bomb. Thanks.” Ya know?

So I’m doing a water thing now. I’m trying, anyway. I’m going to just try and drink a little bit more because before I was drinking none. Victoria Beckham-style. I actually don’t even know how I’m still alive. I got that ghetto jug I’m holding (the one with the drawing of a chubby Mary Kate Olsen) in the picture sometime in ‘93 I’m guessing. I figure if I drink three things of head-sized water a day for as long as I can take it, I’ll be doing myself a huge favor. Maybe drinking water will be the key to a balanced mind!?!? I don’t know! We’ll see!

I should note that I’m not entirely giving up on Diet Coke because cold turkey sucks unless it’s the day after Thanksgiving. If you see me around town drinking a Diet Coke, don’t even call me out. I’ll slap you. I really will. I’m hydrated and less afraid of jail than ever.